The most trying of times as a mother

When we think of our time as mothers, we remember the joys that our children bring. When we look back on pregnancy, we try not to remember any pain or problems. We try to focus on the joy that was involved. Those moments of wiggling bodies, the hand or foot print sonogram. But what to do you focus on when those moments never came?
16 weeks ago, we were expecting a set of twins. We were very much trying not to get pregnant when we conceived. They were a major surprise. At 14 weeks, we had our first ultrasound to confirm that we were indeed having twins. Everything looked great, health little bundles of twin joy.
2 weeks later, we lost them. Never got to feel the movement inside, the joy of their first cries. Instead we got the experience of pain, doubled by the loss. Doubled by the loss of not only one child but of two. We would be 32 weeks along right now. I would look like the good year blimp.
I struggle almost daily with the images in my head. I would be making sure that everything was ready, everything was stocked, and that our hospital bag and plans were ready to go. Instead I try not to think of the time. Try not to recall the feelings I was having with my other 3 wonderful children. I try not to think about the odds that I would be having two more children in the next few weeks. Try not to think about the wonders that I lost.
The only think that I have found that helps, is to spend more time with my children. More time creating memories that I want to have, less time remembering what I want to forget. But here is the silver lining, I will see my babies again. I will be able to meet them when I get to heaven, in a very long time from now. Trials make us stronger, God never leaves our side, his strength can become ours if we only let him in.